Adoption & Infertility

Fears of adoption

Adoption is more widespread than one might think. Six out of every 10 Americans has had a personal experience with adoption. Two to 5 percent of American households have adopted children. For the most part, adoption works well - only 2-15 percent of all adoptions disrupt. (Clinical and Practice Issues in Adoption : Bridging the Gap Between Adoptees Placed As Infants and As Older Children by Victor Groza, Karen F. Rosenberg).

There are many concerns of prospective parents considering adoption - such as a fear of rejection, being ostracized, more failure or loss and concerns for the child's health and emotional well-being. However, the most significant concern about adoption usually revolves around "love." Prospective parents wonder, "Will I love my child and will he/she love me in return?"

When we started on the adoption journey, I questioned what type of love I would feel for my daughter. Would it be different from the love of my birth boys, would it be like loving the next door neighbor's kids - what kind of love would it be?" -Sue A.

After she adopted her daughter Sue found the answer to her questions.

"Now I know what kind of love it is and I would shout it from the mountain tops to everyone if I could. It is the same kind of love that I experience with my boys. There is absolutely no difference! Yes, I do look at Paige in a different way, she had a history of a birth mom and a caregiver, who loved her and nurtured her till we arrived. She has faced so much in such her early life, that I can only imagine. But the strong bond that I share with her and the boys is like no other kind of love." Sue A.

Another concern about adoption often discussed is that adoption may be viewed as "second best." This attitude may even be reflected upon the children, who may be viewed as, or may feel, less than wonderful or as "second rate" themselves.

"Some people seem to need to rank-order these ways of having children -- to judge that one way is better than another. I've never really felt the need to do that. I just know that I simply can't imagine my life without our three children and I am so very grateful every day that we had the incredible good fortune to be able to adopt them. If we had grown three children, they wouldn't be these three children, and that's just not something I can even begin to think about, much less accept." -Margie H.

Several concerns related to love are specific to parents who already have children by birth. They may wonder how they will feel about their child who joins the family by adoption.

"Upon considering adoption I did wonder how I would feel about a child not born to me. Well I guess I consider her born to me anyway, anyhow. I didn't know if it was possible to feel the way that I do now but it is. She is my kid in every way possible. I know I have to tackle the issues that will arise later when she asks questions but I will do my best. I think someone who has had no bio kids will read this and say, 'Well she's had it both ways, what does she know about the pain of not having bio kids?' Yes... this is true but what I am saying that adopting kids can be just as glorious as having bios. There I've said it! It's different but just as glorious!" -Kathie G.

One of the most significant concerns for these families may be the impact of bringing an adoptive child into an established family. While this is something that parents need to address seriously, the expansion of the family can have many benefits for everyone.

"Paige was definitely meant to be a part of our family and is our daughter and sister of our children, Tyler and Dalton. I also never expected to see the bond between them with Paige. They adore her. It is so awesome to see Dalton be a 'big' brother to his sister. They have the usual issues that all siblings - no matter what the age - go through and I expect to experience them at each stage of their growth - but the love they share is so wonderful to witness. So anyone who might question the idea of mixing birth and adopted children - that too is not an issue. It works wonderfully." - Sue A.

Page 1:  Adoption & Infertility  | Page 2:  The Journey from Infertility to Adoption