Adoption & Infertility

Infertility - Who is Affected?

The Journey from Infertility to Adoption

It can often take time and a great deal of emotional healing to work through the issues of infertility and begin to see other options beyond pregnancy. However, during this time, many couples begin to consider adoption as a way of building a family, and this choice transforms from a frightening and vague possibility to a reality of wonder and joy.

The emotional burden that accompanies infertility can sometimes seem enormous. Feelings of grief, anger, frustration, disappointment and other difficult emotions associated with a severe loss place a heavy toll on those who are coping with infertility. Physical distress and emotional trauma associated with attempts to become pregnant only increase this emotional burden. Personal failure and the frustrations of being thwarted in the desire to become pregnant and have a family may seem overwhelming. Social pressure and expectations of family, friends and colleagues can compound conflicted emotions. And yet all of these issues must be addressed in order to become a good parent to your adopted child.

It is not uncommon for several years to go by as prospective parents struggle with infertility treatment and loss.

"Many single women face (the decision) about whether to go the insemination route or the adoption route. I did do both - two years of infertility, drugs, miscarriages, etc. -- and then adopted. For me, the only advantage to my having gone through two years of hell is the fact that my daughter wasn't born until 1994 and those two years made me wait until 'my' child was ready to come home." -Maryann O.

For some, the struggles with loss issues related to infertility can take even longer.

"The topic of infertility is well known to me and I almost lost my sanity over it. After losing a son late term, I went into an intense depression that deepened when my husband left. That was almost 20 years ago. I fought my way out of that depression and sadness but felt an incompleteness that another marriage was not the answer to. Nor was surrogacy or artificial insemination or adoption of a child from the state agency I work for.... Now my adoption is first and foremost... Some of us have come a very long way to parent our children." -Bernadette E.

Most people grow up assuming that they will be able to have children when the time comes. It can be a tremendous adjustment of one's self image if this turns out to be impossible. Issues going all the way back to childhood assumptions and experiences may have to be revisited in readjusting your self image and sense of self worth. While some people know earlier on that they will not be able to have children by birth, the transition to feeling comfortable with the thought of having a family by adoption can still require major adjustment.

The adoption process itself, as well as the outcome of adoption (a "real" child rather than an "imagined, idealized" child), propels prospective parents to work through the emotional aspects of infertility toward parenthood. For most people, the decision to adopt is itself a process, just like dealing with infertility. At some point the prospective parent starts to wonder "What would it be like to raise an adopted child?" As they start to investigate adoption, they find themselves once more in a process of discovery. What matters to more - similar appearance, age, health? How much risk are they willing to take? Each step along the way leads the prospective parent on a journey of personal exploration.

This voyage of self-investigation is not always a comfortable one - considerable risk and stretch is involved. Often, the adoption process itself may be frustrating and unsteady - countries can close to adoption overnight, lack of information and delays are rampant, birth plans can fall through, rejection may come from birth parents or agencies, paperwork can intervene and the referral or birth itself may not be what was planned. Adoption stretches each individual's personal boundaries. It is a time of growth, and as such pain and fear mingles with wonder and excitement.

Luckily adoption social workers are used to the combination of ambivalence, "ignorance" and desire for facts and information that future parents express. During this period many people find themselves seeking out those who are touched by adoption. It is very reassuring to connect with someone or who has adopted or is adopted themselves.

Relief of adoption after infertility

As prospective parents make the decision to adopt and then move through the adoption process, their focus begins to shift away from pregnancy - emotionally and physically. They begin to let go of the idea of perpetuating their biological line. Their revised goal becomes one of having a family.

"When we first started having trouble getting pregnant we said we would do 'whatever it took' to get pregnant. At that time we had no idea it would go on for 4 years and have such an effect on us - physically and mentally... We realized we had lost sight of our goal which was to parent a child, not necessarily become pregnant. When we decided to adopt it was like a weight had been lifted off our shoulders." -Cindy D.

Many people find that this letting go brings with it a great sense of relief.

"Our social worker also asked us if we had resolved our infertility issues. Although I don't know if you ever resolve anything major like that, I had finally gotten to the point where I could say, 'I'll probably never get pregnant and that's OK.' I remember how good it felt when I was able to actually say that out loud for the first time."- Cindy D.

"After Rick and I both have had fertility-type surgery, a year of working with a specialist and four miscarriages, we decided to adopt .... We have had Sophia for six months now and I have to say, if I had known then (during the infertility thing) how great this was going to be, I don't know that we would have tried so hard to have a bio kid. Hindsight is 20/20. I just can't imagine not being with her. I couldn't imagine loving her more than I do."- Jamie P.

One of the blessings of choosing adoption is that over time there is a lessening of envy and angry feelings toward others who are pregnant or have children. These feelings are a common emotional response to the loss related to infertility.

"It really is so nice to not envy parents anymore. I don't care if I ever got pregnant and gave birth. I am very happy for any friends or acquaintances who are pregnant -- because they now will have the joy of being parents (and, of course, there are downsides as well!). But I am very happy with my lot in life now. And I hope that those who haven't quite found comfort, will find it when their children come to them!" -Ann L.

For many people the joy of adoption also brings with it an unexpected healing. This may take time - even years. But while residual loss related to infertility issues may remain, most adoptive parents find that their children bring such blessings that they come to terms gladly with their situation. They grow through adoption themselves.

"Joy and relief is always worth emphasizing because it's so hard to believe from the other side of the motherhood divide ... It's amazing how quickly the pain of infertility is healed. I had so many fears such as that I would not feel like a 'real' mother (fears that friends and family sometimes seemed to encourage). Now these fears seem laughable. I hope you won't let anything make you sad about the way your children (or children-to-be) come into your heart and your home. The way doesn't matter. It's the children who matter. If you run into somebody in a store who doesn't understand that, feel sympathy for them; there are wonderful things they'll never know and wonderful experiences they'll never have!" -Jo M.

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